The Observing Self

You are not your thoughts and you are not your emotions. You are the being that experiences thoughts and emotions. But much of these experiences are passive—they just seem to happen. And anything that just happens—that you are not in control of—is not you. You are the being that makes choices, that sets goals, and that acts. These actions are the work of the true self.

Spend a few moments just letting your thoughts come and go. Just sit quietly and let what happens happen. There is no need to direct. No need to produce any particular kind of mental state. This is not about being empty, or calm, or at peace. It’s just about being open and willing to experience what is there. If it helps, try to adopt a stance of curiosity towards your thoughts. Avoid judging the thoughts as good or bad, interesting or dull. They are just thoughts, and there are plenty more where they came from.

This may seem simple, but it will not always be so. Our thoughts have a way of overwhelming us especially when we are in the throes of anger or anxiety. At such times, we may feel virtually certain of things that later will seem trivial or ridiculous. In every case, we will benefit from creating distance between our observing mind and the thoughts we are having. When we lose that distance, we can seem to become defined by our thoughts and emotions. This will always be a reduction in what we are, and we are no better off for the loss.

This state in which our self and that which we are experiencing seem to merge, is the state we wish to avoid. We can strive not to lose the distance between the observer and the observed. So as you go through your day today, continually reflect on what originates from your true self, and what does not. Explore your experiences. Reflect on what you think and feel. But in doing so do not get lost in this abyss. Thoughts and feelings are not necessarily treasures to be discovered. They may be fool’s gold. It is our actions, decisions, strategies, goals, projects, and chosen values that we should cherish above all the other products of our mind.

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Read more about Mindfulness here. 

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Trail Guide: Taking Stock

Every journey has a starting point. For us, our starting point is often home. Home. Such a simple word. “Home”  will be our metaphor—a stand in for acceptance of where we are in our process of change.

Home is where we make our start. Maybe you like where you live. Maybe you are content there. Maybe not. But before you can change, you have to know where you will be setting out from. When you look at a map is not your first instinct to find where you are? Therefore, the first part of any journey is to be where you are. Not just to be there, but to be there with curiosity and acceptance. We cannot accept any journey without such acceptance of where we will make our start. We do not have to love that starting point. We do not have to even like it at all. But we must acknowledge where we are.

Let’s take stock of that place now. Look around you. Just notice. Avoid the temptation to judge. It comes so easily, doesn’t it? But it doesn’t have to. You can learn to see things differently. Learn to notice the small seemingly insignificant details of ordinary life. Here are some questions that might help you with this process.

What do you hear right now?
What do you see that is blue? Or red?
Or Green?
Where is the source of light coming from?
How is light shaped or created in your space?
How does light cast its shadows?
How does the light change the color of your surroundings?
How does light fall on you?
How does your world smell? What objects are in reach?
Pick one up or lay your hand upon it. How does it feel? Is it rough? Smooth? Heavy? Think about where this object came from. How was it made?
Was it made by human beings?
Was it made by an artist? A craftsman?
Forged through time and nature? How did it come to be here?

Your world is complex it’s full or rich details and lush textures. The world is enough to hold your attention if you wish to lavish your attention on it.

And now let us peel this metaphor back. How much more complex are you than your surroundings? You’ll find layers of thoughts, feelings, sensations, postures, urges, memories, dreams, values, regrets, and fears. These layers flow backward into time. You are the font of experience. Your first challenge is to let your experience unfold and just be aware of it. Accept the thoughts as they come. Notice the feelings. Again apply your curiosity and accept what you find there. Resist the temptation to judge. Resist the tendency to be like a gardener pulling weeds or an editor correcting text. Just take a few more moments and accept whatever comes without condemnation or praise. Just let it be.

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Love and Kindness Meditation

This is one of my favorite techniques for self-improvement.  It’s a meditative technique that fosters a very positive emotion and will probably aid in achieving relaxation as well.

Effectiveness: 2017-07-30 03.21.28 pm.png

Difficulty: Medium

Use In Response To: Depression, Anger, Anxiety, or Urges.

Basic Idea: Meditate by repeating a mantra expressing love and kindness towards an increasingly broad group of people.

Description: Loving Kindness Meditation, also called Metta in Buddhism is a technique designed to develop unconditional love for all beings. This type of meditation can be combined with any of the other relaxation techniques. For example, while seated and comfortable, start with Paced Breathing and then begin to follow the following pattern.

You will begin by saying the following phrases to yourself:

May I be well. May I be loved. May I grow wise. May I live happily.

Alternatively, you can use more traditional language such as:

May I be free from enmity, affliction and anxiety, and live happily.

You can modify this to fit any spiritual or belief system you like.

Now let’s expand the recipients of these sentiments gradually, as if you were creating ever-widening concentric circles of loving kindness around yourself. Say each phrase a number of times (try three times at first). If you would like, you can picture the faces of people you know and care about as you do this. You might even imagine that you are sending them waves of love. Try to feel the deep caring you have for them, and then extend this to the people you hardly know or do not like. You can extend this to all the people in your town, your city, your state, your country, the whole world, even all living beings everywhere in the universe. For example:

May my family be well. May my family be loved. May my family grow wise. May my family live happily. (Say three times)

May my friends be well. May my friends be loved. May my friends grow wise. May my friends live happily. (Say three times)

May my neighbors be well. May my neighbors be loved. May my neighbors grow wise. May my neighbors live happily. (Say three times)

May all those I know be well. May all those I know be loved. May all those I know grow wise. May all those I know live happily. (Say three times)

May all who have displeased me be well. May all who have displeased me be loved. May all who have displeased me grow wise. May all who have displeased me live happily. (Say three times)

May all human beings be well. May all human beings be loved. May all human beings grow wise. May all human beings live happily. (Say three times)

With practice, you may feel an upsurge of positive emotion as you complete this meditation.

It turns out that this practice also ties in nicely with the philosophy of Stoicism.  Although Stoicism does not emphasize formal (Eastern-style) meditation or the repetition of  mantras, it does deal with the same expanding concentric circles around the self. The image associated with this post is known as the Circle of Hierocles. The idea is that our goal should be to pull the circles in towards us, so that we treat our family the way we would treat ourselves, and our friends the way we would treat our family and so on.  I think the mediation described above would serve the same goal.

Find more Coping Skills for Resilience in my free eBook, The Invisible Toolbox! If you like what you find there, please leave a review where you downloaded the eBook from–it will help other people find the book.