People suck sometimes. Accept them anyway.

The Twelve Ideas That Can Change Your Life (Part 6)

Humans by their very nature are fallible, imperfect creatures, capable of inflicting great pain on one another. And yet they are worthy of our compassion. We can, with a little practice, develop a mindset of unconditional acceptance of others. While their behaviors may be flawed, we can still distinguish between a person’s actions and their being. Accept that others have as much right to their existence as you have to yours (and vice versa). Accept that humans—all humans—are entitled to live with dignity.

You might be asking, why? Why are all people entitled to dignity? What is dignity based on? One approach would be to consider that dignity as arising out of a person’s unique humanity. Another approach would be to consider humans as deserving of dignity simply because they have the capacity to be rational. You might see it as being an intrinsic gift of their supernatural creator. Alternatively, you can decide that dignity comes from the potential that each person has to live a life of meaning and purpose. Finally, maybe we are worthy of dignity just because we are thinking, conscious beings—tiny pieces of the universe that have woken up and can know themselves.

Seeing others as having dignity is sometimes difficult because we are often dissuaded from doing so by our tendency to evaluate their worth. We have a nasty habit of seeing others as either good and deserving or foul and deplorable. On a daily basis, we are inundated with messages about how we can improve our status and seem better than other people by collecting possessions and accomplishments—as if all of this will be added up on some end-of-life score card. But deep down we know that these things do not mean we are truly better. The whole enterprise of rating the worth of the self or others, at best, is so difficult and complex task that it is near impossible and, at worst, an affront to human dignity. Consider simply declining to rate any person as a whole but instead to grant them dignity by default.

In a Nutshell: We can respect the dignity of all people, accepting them as they are, simply because of their unique humanity.

The Fine Print:

Unconditional acceptance does not mean unconditional approval. You will certainly not approve of all human behavior. But accepting others unconditionally means that you acknowledge and respect them as individuals. You are still going to disapprove of much of their behavior. Sometimes that disapproval will be quite strong. Accepting another person doesn’t mean not condemning their actions when they are immoral. It doesn’t mean being a doormat. It doesn’t mean staying in a relationship when you are being mistreated. And it doesn’t mean not subjecting others to the law of the land. But it does mean acknowledging that they are free, capable of making their own choices.

How to Use This Idea:

You can use this idea by reflecting on the dignity, potential and good characteristics of even the most difficult people in your life. When you see someone struggling, imagine what it would be like to be in their shoes, and offer what help you can. When others disappoint you, don’t damn them. You can criticize their behavior, but avoid labeling them or calling them demeaning names (even in your own head). And don’t forget this applies to yourself as much as anyone else. Avoid labeling yourself, even if you disapprove of your own behavior. At every opportunity work towards accepting yourself as you are and others as they are.

What This Will Help You Gain:

This idea will help you gain compassion. Your connections with others will flourish when you see them as having dignity and when you respect their individuality. Love grows when we can embrace the other for who they are. On a broader scale, this idea will help you strengthen connections in your family, friendships, and community. When you apply this idea to yourself it will help you gain self-acceptance, which is an important protective factor in warding off unhealthy emotions.

What This Will Help You Avoid:

This idea will help you avoid two things, alienation, and depression. Alienation results when we lose the ability to recognize our connections with other people because we are too focused on our differences. Without having compassion and respecting the dignity of others, we will wither in isolation—humans need to be connected to a community. Depression often results when we don’t grant ourselves the same dignity—when we make global evaluations of ourselves and put conditions on what we must be.

The Source of this Idea:

Many philosophies and religions advocate some form of love towards your neighbor, and the idea of hating the sin but loving the sinner is certainly a very old notion. But this particular conceptualization comes from Albert Ellis’s writings relating to Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy. Ellis advocated the idea that placing conditions on our self-acceptance brought us misery, and any external justification for our worth would be fragile, temporary, and ultimately futile. He advocated a position of “USA” (Unconditional Self Acceptance) and UOA (Unconditional Other Acceptance).

Next: Whenever it seems others must change. Accept that they don’t.

The Twelve Ideas That Can Change Your Life (So Far)

Idea #11: You Can Do Good Work or Seek Perfection, But You Can’t Do Both

Idea #10: Your Path Will Not Be Easy. But Ease is Not Required.

Idea #9: Emotions are not your guide. Without reason they will lead you astray

Idea #8: You are not your thoughts. You are not your feelings.

Idea #7: Whenever it seems that others must change, accept that they don’t.

Idea #6: People Suck Sometimes. Accept Them Anyway.

Idea #5: Others will not approve. Carry on without approval.

Idea #4: The world is unjust. Live there anyway.

Idea#3: To live is to confront adversity. But to be alive is to have limitless resilience. 

Idea#2: Life is risky. Live anyway.

Idea#1: Be curious. Learn what you can, but hold lightly to your truths.


Love and Kindness Meditation

This is one of my favorite techniques for self-improvement.  It’s a meditative technique that fosters a very positive emotion and will probably aid in achieving relaxation as well.

Effectiveness: 2017-07-30 03.21.28 pm.png

Difficulty: Medium

Use In Response To: Depression, Anger, Anxiety, or Urges.

Basic Idea: Meditate by repeating a mantra expressing love and kindness towards an increasingly broad group of people.

Description: Loving Kindness Meditation, also called Metta in Buddhism is a technique designed to develop unconditional love for all beings. This type of meditation can be combined with any of the other relaxation techniques. For example, while seated and comfortable, start with Paced Breathing and then begin to follow the following pattern.

You will begin by saying the following phrases to yourself:

May I be well. May I be loved. May I grow wise. May I live happily.

Alternatively, you can use more traditional language such as:

May I be free from enmity, affliction and anxiety, and live happily.

You can modify this to fit any spiritual or belief system you like.

Now let’s expand the recipients of these sentiments gradually, as if you were creating ever-widening concentric circles of loving kindness around yourself. Say each phrase a number of times (try three times at first). If you would like, you can picture the faces of people you know and care about as you do this. You might even imagine that you are sending them waves of love. Try to feel the deep caring you have for them, and then extend this to the people you hardly know or do not like. You can extend this to all the people in your town, your city, your state, your country, the whole world, even all living beings everywhere in the universe. For example:

May my family be well. May my family be loved. May my family grow wise. May my family live happily. (Say three times)

May my friends be well. May my friends be loved. May my friends grow wise. May my friends live happily. (Say three times)

May my neighbors be well. May my neighbors be loved. May my neighbors grow wise. May my neighbors live happily. (Say three times)

May all those I know be well. May all those I know be loved. May all those I know grow wise. May all those I know live happily. (Say three times)

May all who have displeased me be well. May all who have displeased me be loved. May all who have displeased me grow wise. May all who have displeased me live happily. (Say three times)

May all human beings be well. May all human beings be loved. May all human beings grow wise. May all human beings live happily. (Say three times)

With practice, you may feel an upsurge of positive emotion as you complete this meditation.

It turns out that this practice also ties in nicely with the philosophy of Stoicism.  Although Stoicism does not emphasize formal (Eastern-style) meditation or the repetition of  mantras, it does deal with the same expanding concentric circles around the self. The image associated with this post is known as the Circle of Hierocles. The idea is that our goal should be to pull the circles in towards us, so that we treat our family the way we would treat ourselves, and our friends the way we would treat our family and so on.  I think the mediation described above would serve the same goal.

Find more Coping Skills for Resilience in my free eBook, The Invisible Toolbox! If you like what you find there, please leave a review where you downloaded the eBook from–it will help other people find the book.