On Fulfilling Your Potential

If we accept that our two-fold task in life is to accept ourselves as we are, and, at the same time, to grow and change, we must ask the “Difficult Question.”

What is it that we should become? or, put another way, what changes should we be making in our lives? This is among the hardest questions in all of human thought. It is a variation of that question that has occupied philosopher’s since the time of Socrates, how are we to live a good life?

One way to approach this question is to consider the goal of a human life to be a fulfillment of individual human potential. That is, we should work to become that which it is possible for us to become, making the most out of our individual human abilities.

And what is it that is possible for us to become? Again there is no easy way to answer this question. The answer will vary for each person, and therefore no one can tell you what it would mean for you to fulfill your potential. But here are some things that we can say about fulfilling your potential:

  1. Fulfilling your potential is not based on reaching an arbitrary standard imposed by culture or society. It does not mean that you become a “doctor or lawyer.” It does not mean having children or getting married. It does not mean owning a house or a herd of cattle or any of the other standard measures of success that your culture imposes. Of course these accomplishments may be involved in your meeting your potential, but they should not be seen as the actual measure of success.
  2. Your potential will be based on your actual abilities and strengths. It is a manifestation of what you can do when you put effort into achieving your goals in a balanced way.
  3. Your potential is not necessarily a measure of academic or professional success. It certainly is not based on how much money you can make.
  4. Fulfilling your potential is based only on things that are under your control. If forces beyond your control stop you from reaching a certain goal, then that goal had nothing to do with fulfilling your potential. As a result, wealth, health, physical appearance, and reputation, all of which rely on factors that are largely beyond our control, are not necessary to achieve your potential (although they will certainly help if you have them).
  5. Fulfilling your potential can only come about by trial and error. No one can measure your ability and tell you exactly what you can do with your life. Even if you did seek out expert opinions, in the end, you would still need to roll up your sleeves and see what you can do.
  6. Fulfilling your human potential will involve your ability to do those things that humans can do. This almost certainly includes the ability to be rational, the ability to form relationships with others, the ability to have compassion, the ability to endure difficulty, and the ability to solve problems.

So that is what we can say in general about fulfilling potential. Next, we will turn to a different approach to understand human potential for change and growth—examining the characteristic of humans who have fulfilled their potential.

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Self-Acceptance: As You Are and As You May Be

Your mindful awareness of yourself will reveal many things: thoughts, feelings, images, urges, memories, plans, values, beliefs, nightmares and daydreams. They are all waiting for you just behind your eyes. In working to accept our mental world we are really practicing acceptance of the self. This is a skill that can only be honed over long spans of time.

Our challenge is to be who we are, letting go of any childish fantasy of becoming someone else, as if we could just swap masks with another at a masquerade. No, we are only given one role to play upon this stage. We can live inauthentically, or we can fully commit to the life we have been dealt.

Try, now, to accept yourself exactly as you are. As a thought experiment, consider what it would mean if there was no more hope of improvement. No way to lose 10 pounds. No new skills. No promotion. No fashion make-over. No new high score. Just you. As if you were, essentially, the person that you were going to be for all your remaining days. Could you embrace being that person? Is this life you have currently good-enough?

Difficult? This thought experiment brings us to a paradox: Self-acceptance must be unconditional, and yet, it is nearly impossible to conceive of the self as not changing. As long as we are ourselves, we will have some capacity to change and grow. In other words, awareness of the self also includes awareness of the power of the self to change. Acceptance of the self requires us to reckon with how we will use this power.

This paradox, as we will soon see, is the twisting force that creates the bend in the spiral path.

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Morning Reflection: On Disaster

Today is the 16th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks and it’s (yet another) day where hundreds of thousands of Americans may be waking up to find their homes and communities devastated by natural disaster.  Such times sober us and focus us on what is most important.

What, if anything, can philosophy do for us under such circumstances–where the stability of our lives is ripped asunder? Certainly, this is no time to ponder circular questions.  But I would argue that this is when a philosophy of life is most useful. Like a hurricane ripping the roof off of a house, these events lay bare the flaws in our personal philosophies of how to live. If living a good life is only about sidestepping misfortune for long enough to acquire more possessions than anyone else you went to school with, then we are always one storm wall away from being complete failures.  Just as we may need to hurricane-proof our structures, we need to hurricane-proof our minds.

How do we do that? The ancient philosophy of Stoicism provides a crucial insight. We can gain a kind of invincibility by not tying our worth to what is beyond our control.  A hurricane or a terrorist attack can take many things away from you (including your life) but these events cannot force you to make choices that are opposed to your understanding of the human good.  If your philosophy of living emphasizes excellence of character above all else than these momentous events provide you with an opportunity to exercise your human potential.

So maybe, if you are fortunate enough to not have to wade through your living room today, take today as an opportunity to think about your own philosophy of life and what you see as the most important elements of human excellence. Try to emphasize those things that are actually under your control because whatever isn’t, will, eventually, float away.

One last thing, if you do find that helping others in need is important to you, Global Giving is generally a well regarded organization by charity watchdog groups.

In the end, all that matters is that you lived with and for virtue. Because there is only virtue. 

The final idea in my series of the 12 ideas that can change your life.

Your mind will tell you that your worth comes from without—that your value as a person is reflected in how others judge you. As such, you should always do what will increase your estimation in the eyes of others. This gets it all wrong—in multiple ways. Your worth would not come from your achievements, your status, or the admiration given to you by others. These things are beyond your control, and therefore cannot be indications of your worth.  But why do we even need to know what we are worth? Are we for sale? Do we ever get to cash in on our worth? No. ‘Self-worth’ is the wrong concept. What really matters is our virtue—how we are fulfilling our unique potential to live according to our values.

Virtue is the only thing really good in life. It is the only thing that cannot be corrupted to serve evil ends. The central idea here—the genius idea at the core of Stoic philosophy is that the purpose of our lives is to do good AND that good can only come from what is up to us. Those may sound like simple ideas, but together they are powerful. Yes, it is true that much of what happens to us is beyond our control—losses, sickness, tragedy, bad luck, faulty genes, people slandering us, betrayal, nasty relatives, natural disasters, war, and death can all happen to us—and most of these will happen to us. But these things are absolutely powerless over our virtue because they are not the product of our free choice.  This means that if you accept that the purpose of your life is to live with virtue, nothing can stop you from doing so. Living for virtue yields a kind of invincibility. 

Virtue requires living according to your values. So what are those?

No one can truly tell you what your values must be.  Others can only tell you what values hold meaning for them. The Ancient Greeks recognized four primary values:

  • Courage—the ability to endure the fear and difficulty that would stop us from achieving our goals.
  • Temperance (or self-control)—the ability to resist excesses.
  • Justice—the ability to treat the people we interact with fairly and compassionately.
  • Wisdom—the ability to make effective decisions in response to practical problems.

Now, it is up to you to define what your values are, but you could certainly do a lot worse than these four. Notice that these values provide direction in how you would try to live your life, but they are not goals unto themselves. For example, you never get to say you have achieved Self-control and can cross that off your to-do list. Alas, there is always another batch of warm cookies on the horizon. Also notice that no matter what your life circumstances—even if you are in a prison cell, exiled to a foreign land, lingering on your deathbed, or (gasp!) have to wait three minutes in line at the deli counter, it is still possible to live according to your values.

In a Nutshell: Virtue means making the most of your human potential—living according to the values you have chosen rationally. Virtue requires choice. Fate, fortune, luck, the actions of others and everything else you can’t control are irrelevant. If you choose to make virtue your purpose, nothing can ever get in your way.

How to Use This Idea:

Your task, if you choose to accept it, is to live the most excellent life you can live. There are three parts to doing this: Values Clarification, Responding to Problems, and Reviewing Your Progress.

Values Clarification. Spend some time evaluating what your values are—what you would consider the essential characteristics of a life well lived to be? One tried and true (if a tad morbid) method of doing this is to imagine your own funeral (or at least a party given in your honor years from now) and ask yourself how you would like to be described and remembered.

Responding to Problems. Whenever you encounter a problem, focus only on the part of it that you can do something about. As you consider your options, ask yourself what kind of response would be consistent with your values. If you confront a problem that you cannot do anything about, accept it, or use the classic Stoic response, “This is nothing to me.”

Reviewing Your Progress. At the end of every day (or week, or whatever timeframe works for you), think back over your actions and evaluate how well you did at living according to your values.  If you did well at something, acknowledge it, and encourage yourself to continue in that fashion. If you did something that was not in line with your values, accept that, but also recommit yourself to living according to your values going forward.

The Fine Print:

You might as well accept this now: You are never going to live according to your values, at least not perfectly. We humans are flawed creatures, capable of doing good only by constantly pushing back against our irrational tendencies. But this shouldn’t stop you. Virtue is about the journey—it’s something you move towards, slowly over time.  The ancient Stoics sometimes employed the idea of a Stoic Sage—a being who could have perfect virtue. It wasn’t that they believed that he really existed or should be worshiped.  Instead, the Sage was a useful concept, one that allowed them to ask ‘What would the Sage do’ in any given circumstance? This provided them with a model that they could seek to emulate, even though they would never attain the status of a Sage.

What This Will Help You Avoid:

A mis-lived life. Humans waste a great deal of effort obsessing on and making futile demands about what is not up to them. Making Virtue your purpose will ensure that you do not live your life focused on trivialities. By setting our sights on goals that are not up to us, we are setting ourselves up for failure. Living for attainment, achievement, wealth, or status will, for all but a lucky few, lead to a life lacking in some essential quality.

What This Will Help You Gain:

Self-Actualization. Making the most of your human potential means doing what you can to live according to your values. Over time this will lead to your flourishing.

The Source of this Idea:

This idea is old. It is the core of Stoic Philosophy, a school of thought that originated in ancient Greece and later spread to Ancient Rome. It is most associated with the philosophers Epictetus, Marcus Aurelius, and Seneca. My understanding of Stoic philosophy has been shaped primarily by two modern writers, William B. Irvine and Massimo Pigliucci.  Some of the treatment I gave to Values also reflects principles of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, associated with Steven Hayes. The critique of the view of self-worth given at the beginning of this post, and indeed many of the ideas that run throughout all of the 12 ideas comes directly from Albert Ellis, the creator of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT).  Ellis saw REBT as an application of ancient and modern philosophies including stoicism.

 

The Twelve Ideas That Can Change Your Life (so far)

Idea #12: In the end, all that matters is that you lived with and for virtue. Because there is only virtue.

Idea #11: You Can Do Good Work or Seek Perfection, But You Can’t Do Both

Idea #10: Your Path Will Not Be Easy. But Ease is Not Required.

Idea #9: Emotions are not your guide. Without reason they will lead you astray

Idea #8: You are not your thoughts. You are not your feelings.

Idea #7: Whenever it seems that other’s must change, accept that they don’t.

Idea #6: People Suck Sometimes. Accept Them Anyway.

Idea #5: Others will not approve. Carry on without approval.

Idea #4: The world is unjust. Live there anyway.

Idea#3: To live is to confront adversity. But to be alive is to have limitless resilience. 

Idea#2: Life is risky. Live anyway.

Idea#1: Be curious. Learn what you can, but hold lightly to your truths.

 

Gratitude Journaling

Here is another excerpt from The Invisible Toolbox: Coping Skills for Everyday Resilience–a book I wrote to catalogue the my helpful techniques for responding to depression, anger, anxiety and unwanted urges.

Gratitude Journaling

Effectiveness: 2017-07-30 03.21.28 pm

Difficulty: Easy

Use In Response To: Depression, Anger, or Urges

Basic Idea: Regularly reflect on those aspects of your life that you are grateful for.

Description: Life can be like a treadmill sometimes—the more you accomplish, the more there is left to accomplish. The more you get, the more you want. For example, let’s say you have a functioning car but you would like a new car. While you are in the state of wanting the new car, you believe the new car will make you happy (“And it has heated seats!”). And when you get it, it does make you happy…for a short time. But as you come to get used to having the car, you can’t imagine how you once got by without it (or how your backside ever went without being toasted like a bagel). So instead of it being a positive thing that brings you happiness, you become accustomed to it and it no longer produces the pleasure it once did. If this pattern continues, your life might come to consist of going from one short-lived pleasure to another, with you never being more than momentarily satisfied.

The antidote to this problem is gratitude—wanting what you’ve already got. This is accomplished by thinking about the good things you have and, more importantly, the people you love but with the understanding that you are very fortunate to have these blessings in your life at all. Reflect on how their presence is so much better than their absence. Other things you might want to think about are the physical comforts of your home and conveniences, cherished possessions, means of transportation, access to clean water, your health, etc.

To use this as a coping skill, you would combat negative thoughts and emotions by forcing yourself to think about what you are most grateful for right in that moment. You can also do this as a regular practice by writing down three things that you are grateful for in a journal each night before you go to sleep.

Try it now: Think about your life and identify the three things or people that you are most grateful for.

Variations On Gratitude Journaling:

  1. What three things that happened today are you most grateful for?
  2. What three people outside your family are you most grateful to have in your life?
  3. What three events that occurred within your lifetime are you most grateful for?
  4. Who are the people that you are most grateful to have met?
  5. What three possessions are you most grateful for?
  6. What three experiences are you most grateful to have had?
  7. What three places are you most grateful to have visited?
  8. What are the three characteristics of yourself that you are most grateful for?
  9. What three books (or movies) are you most grateful to have experienced?
  10. What three challenges are you most grateful to have faced?

For more Coping Skills check out my free eBook here.

You Can Do Good Work or Seek Perfection, But You Can’t Do Both.

The Twelve Ideas That Can Change Your Life (Part 11)

Your mind will tell you that  your good work is not good enough. Do good work anyway. Avoid striving for perfection at all costs. Perfectionism is the idea that no standard other than flawlessness is acceptable. But it rarely stops there. Hidden within our demands for the perfect performance is the desire to be perfect ourselves. Indeed only such a perfect person could achieve the level of perfect performance that the perfectionist demands. You need not concern yourself with that. Perfection is an illusion.  It is like a light that seems to be atop the next hill—distant but attainable—but which is, in fact, a star rising in the evening, hopelessly out of reach. Excellence, by contrast, is in the here and now. It occurs within the moment of action. It emerges only from doing with intention.

Perfectionism is a trap. Once you allow your goal to be tainted with it, you will become paralyzed by the expectation that your work could—and should—be flawless. Perfectionism will force you to immediately confront the possibility that it might not be so (in fact it definitely won’t be so!). And if it isn’t? That would be horrible! You would be a failure! And you just can’t take that can you? The result? Doing nothing.

Well let’s climb out of that particular bog. Your goal is to do good work. This will take effort, but it need not be a herculean endeavor. Moderate effort sustained over time will lead to the completion of achievable goals.

Perfectionism will call for the rejection of the achievable goal. But large goals are only attained by the successive completion of small goals. Achievable goals—those that can be executed within minutes,  hours, or the working day—are the only goals that matter. It is in the completion of these stepping stone tasks that we fulfill our potential and flourish.

The Fine Print:

Achieving your potential doesn’t mean living up to some arbitrary standard imposed from without. No one—not even you can know  what your potential truly is in advance. Potential is revealed only in the doing. You don’t have to win that golden medal, sell the most widgets, or claim the corner office. You must set the goal for yourself and it must be measured against yourself. If life is a race, the other runners are irrelevant. Their speed  is an arbitrary measure based on an accidental sample. Fulfilling your potential may mean just running any part of the race at all or completing it with a faster time than your last effort—even if you come in dead last! Your excellence is not borne of besting others. It is not forged in the fires of competition. Competition may inspire you to push yourself, but it must never be a measuring rod of your worth.  Excellence is borne of your intention to do good work, and forged in the fires of your own effort.

In a Nutshell:

To strive for perfection is to be stagnant. Instead, seek to do good work by putting forth moderate effort over time to complete achievable tasks. Seek to fulfill your unique potential without resorting to comparison with others.

What This Will Help You Avoid:

Stagnation. Nothing will destroy your productivity and fulfillment faster than perfectionism. Perfectionism will turn your successes into perceived defeats and your ability to accomplish into seeming helplessness.

What This Will Help You Gain:

Mastery. Here mastery is a personal value—the preference to work to attain proficiency at a skill. Mastery follows from effort put forth over time. Your failures will not destroy your resolve (as they would if your goal was perfection) but rather you will learn from each one, honing your skill ever more. In time, you will be able to accomplish tasks of such difficulty that you would once have thought them impossible.

The Source of this Idea:

Many have sited the dangers of perfectionism. One thinker who articulated the problems that result from the “should’s” and “must’s” that compose perfectionism is Albert Ellis, whose views on the subject can be seen here.  His thoughts on perfectionism might provide a clue to how he was able to author or co-author over 75 books (no stagnation going on there!).

[Alright!  I am one idea away from completing my list!  This has been a very interesting project for me.  These ideas are usually pressed as negatives. Trying to phrase them as positive ideas has been a very useful exercise. Please let me know what you think! ]

 

The Twelve Ideas That Can Change Your Life (so far)

Idea #11: You Can Do Good Work or Seek Perfection, But You Can’t Do Both

Idea #10: Your Path Will Not Be Easy. But Ease is Not Required.

Idea #9: Emotions are not your guide. Without reason they will lead you astray

Idea #8: You are not your thoughts. You are not your feelings.

Idea #7: Whenever it seems that other’s must change, accept that they don’t.

Idea #6: People Suck Sometimes. Accept Them Anyway.

Idea #5: Others will not approve. Carry on without approval.

Idea #4: The world is unjust. Live there anyway.

Idea#3: To live is to confront adversity. But to be alive is to have limitless resilience. 

Idea#2: Life is risky. Live anyway.

Idea#1: Be curious. Learn what you can, but hold lightly to your truths.

 

People suck sometimes. Accept them anyway.

The Twelve Ideas That Can Change Your Life (Part 6)

Humans by their very nature are fallible, imperfect creatures, capable of inflicting great pain on one another. And yet they are worthy of our compassion. We can, with a little practice, develop a mindset of unconditional acceptance of others. While their behaviors may be flawed, we can still distinguish between a person’s actions and their being. Accept that others have as much right to their existence as you have to yours (and vice versa). Accept that humans—all humans—are entitled to live with dignity.

You might be asking, why? Why are all people entitled to dignity? What is dignity based on? One approach would be to consider that dignity as arising out of a person’s unique humanity. Another approach would be to consider humans as deserving of dignity simply because they have the capacity to be rational. You might see it as being an intrinsic gift of their supernatural creator. Alternatively, you can decide that dignity comes from the potential that each person has to live a life of meaning and purpose. Finally, maybe we are worthy of dignity just because we are thinking, conscious beings—tiny pieces of the universe that have woken up and can know themselves.

Seeing others as having dignity is sometimes difficult because we are often dissuaded from doing so by our tendency to evaluate their worth. We have a nasty habit of seeing others as either good and deserving or foul and deplorable. On a daily basis, we are inundated with messages about how we can improve our status and seem better than other people by collecting possessions and accomplishments—as if all of this will be added up on some end-of-life score card. But deep down we know that these things do not mean we are truly better. The whole enterprise of rating the worth of the self or others, at best, is so difficult and complex task that it is near impossible and, at worst, an affront to human dignity. Consider simply declining to rate any person as a whole but instead to grant them dignity by default.

In a Nutshell: We can respect the dignity of all people, accepting them as they are, simply because of their unique humanity.

The Fine Print:

Unconditional acceptance does not mean unconditional approval. You will certainly not approve of all human behavior. But accepting others unconditionally means that you acknowledge and respect them as individuals. You are still going to disapprove of much of their behavior. Sometimes that disapproval will be quite strong. Accepting another person doesn’t mean not condemning their actions when they are immoral. It doesn’t mean being a doormat. It doesn’t mean staying in a relationship when you are being mistreated. And it doesn’t mean not subjecting others to the law of the land. But it does mean acknowledging that they are free, capable of making their own choices.

How to Use This Idea:

You can use this idea by reflecting on the dignity, potential and good characteristics of even the most difficult people in your life. When you see someone struggling, imagine what it would be like to be in their shoes, and offer what help you can. When others disappoint you, don’t damn them. You can criticize their behavior, but avoid labeling them or calling them demeaning names (even in your own head). And don’t forget this applies to yourself as much as anyone else. Avoid labeling yourself, even if you disapprove of your own behavior. At every opportunity work towards accepting yourself as you are and others as they are.

What This Will Help You Gain:

This idea will help you gain compassion. Your connections with others will flourish when you see them as having dignity and when you respect their individuality. Love grows when we can embrace the other for who they are. On a broader scale, this idea will help you strengthen connections in your family, friendships, and community. When you apply this idea to yourself it will help you gain self-acceptance, which is an important protective factor in warding off unhealthy emotions.

What This Will Help You Avoid:

This idea will help you avoid two things, alienation, and depression. Alienation results when we lose the ability to recognize our connections with other people because we are too focused on our differences. Without having compassion and respecting the dignity of others, we will wither in isolation—humans need to be connected to a community. Depression often results when we don’t grant ourselves the same dignity—when we make global evaluations of ourselves and put conditions on what we must be.

The Source of this Idea:

Many philosophies and religions advocate some form of love towards your neighbor, and the idea of hating the sin but loving the sinner is certainly a very old notion. But this particular conceptualization comes from Albert Ellis’s writings relating to Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy. Ellis advocated the idea that placing conditions on our self-acceptance brought us misery, and any external justification for our worth would be fragile, temporary, and ultimately futile. He advocated a position of “USA” (Unconditional Self Acceptance) and UOA (Unconditional Other Acceptance).

Next: Whenever it seems others must change. Accept that they don’t.

The Twelve Ideas That Can Change Your Life (So Far)

Idea #11: You Can Do Good Work or Seek Perfection, But You Can’t Do Both

Idea #10: Your Path Will Not Be Easy. But Ease is Not Required.

Idea #9: Emotions are not your guide. Without reason they will lead you astray

Idea #8: You are not your thoughts. You are not your feelings.

Idea #7: Whenever it seems that others must change, accept that they don’t.

Idea #6: People Suck Sometimes. Accept Them Anyway.

Idea #5: Others will not approve. Carry on without approval.

Idea #4: The world is unjust. Live there anyway.

Idea#3: To live is to confront adversity. But to be alive is to have limitless resilience. 

Idea#2: Life is risky. Live anyway.

Idea#1: Be curious. Learn what you can, but hold lightly to your truths.

 

Love and Kindness Meditation

This is one of my favorite techniques for self-improvement.  It’s a meditative technique that fosters a very positive emotion and will probably aid in achieving relaxation as well.

Effectiveness: 2017-07-30 03.21.28 pm.png

Difficulty: Medium

Use In Response To: Depression, Anger, Anxiety, or Urges.

Basic Idea: Meditate by repeating a mantra expressing love and kindness towards an increasingly broad group of people.

Description: Loving Kindness Meditation, also called Metta in Buddhism is a technique designed to develop unconditional love for all beings. This type of meditation can be combined with any of the other relaxation techniques. For example, while seated and comfortable, start with Paced Breathing and then begin to follow the following pattern.

You will begin by saying the following phrases to yourself:

May I be well. May I be loved. May I grow wise. May I live happily.

Alternatively, you can use more traditional language such as:

May I be free from enmity, affliction and anxiety, and live happily.

You can modify this to fit any spiritual or belief system you like.

Now let’s expand the recipients of these sentiments gradually, as if you were creating ever-widening concentric circles of loving kindness around yourself. Say each phrase a number of times (try three times at first). If you would like, you can picture the faces of people you know and care about as you do this. You might even imagine that you are sending them waves of love. Try to feel the deep caring you have for them, and then extend this to the people you hardly know or do not like. You can extend this to all the people in your town, your city, your state, your country, the whole world, even all living beings everywhere in the universe. For example:

May my family be well. May my family be loved. May my family grow wise. May my family live happily. (Say three times)

May my friends be well. May my friends be loved. May my friends grow wise. May my friends live happily. (Say three times)

May my neighbors be well. May my neighbors be loved. May my neighbors grow wise. May my neighbors live happily. (Say three times)

May all those I know be well. May all those I know be loved. May all those I know grow wise. May all those I know live happily. (Say three times)

May all who have displeased me be well. May all who have displeased me be loved. May all who have displeased me grow wise. May all who have displeased me live happily. (Say three times)

May all human beings be well. May all human beings be loved. May all human beings grow wise. May all human beings live happily. (Say three times)

With practice, you may feel an upsurge of positive emotion as you complete this meditation.

It turns out that this practice also ties in nicely with the philosophy of Stoicism.  Although Stoicism does not emphasize formal (Eastern-style) meditation or the repetition of  mantras, it does deal with the same expanding concentric circles around the self. The image associated with this post is known as the Circle of Hierocles. The idea is that our goal should be to pull the circles in towards us, so that we treat our family the way we would treat ourselves, and our friends the way we would treat our family and so on.  I think the mediation described above would serve the same goal.

Find more Coping Skills for Resilience in my free eBook, The Invisible Toolbox! If you like what you find there, please leave a review where you downloaded the eBook from–it will help other people find the book.

 

Others Will Not Approve. Carry On Without Approval.

The Twelve Ideas That Can Change Your Life (Part 5)

The approval of our peers is something we have a natural tendency to desire.  And our society seems to continually reinforce the message that the most important thing in the world is to elevate your status and thereby to win the begrudging respect of others. The problem is that since we cannot control how others view us, to see approval as something we MUST have will lead to misery. More than that, it is simply not possible to make everyone happy. Every goal that you complete in your life will carry the risk of making someone, somewhere unhappy with you.

Living to please others, or living to win admiration, is not the path to a satisfying life. It is, rather a way to feel perpetually uneasy with your standing. After all, if you must be admired by others to attain your worth, your worth will always depend on their whims. This is hardly the stable ground to build your identity upon.

You were not put on this earth to win universal admiration. You can live well even if others do not approve of you. In fact, in order to live the best life you can—in order to be true to your values and sincerely pursue your goals, it may be necessary to lose the approval of some people. But rejection doesn’t kill us—particularly if we are being rejected for something we believe in.

One particularly damaging arrangement is to believe that not only do you require admiration but that you require a specific person to admire (need, desire, love) you.  How much collective heartache do humans experience the world over from the belief that one specific person’s love is their unique opportunity for happiness?

In a Nutshell: It’s just not true that it is mandatory to be admired. Some people are not going to like you, and they don’t even need a good reason for it. And while it is natural and often sensible to prefer to be liked and admired, it is never mandatory. Your worth as a person is not based on the views others take of you.

HOW TO USE THIS IDEA:

When you find yourself smarting from some real (or imagined) rejection, say to yourself, “I’m disappointed. I would have preferred others to approve of me…but this is not a catastrophe. I can live with this rejection. I do not NEED approval. My worth is not tied to what other people think of me.”

THE FINE PRINT:

Now this doesn’t mean that you should purposefully behave in a way that others will find despicable. This isn’t an excuse to be a hermit, a miscreant, an internet troll, or a recluse. It is healthy to have friends and loving relationships. It is also healthy to be respectful of others, even when you are not doing what they would wish you to do. But if living according to your values results in others rejecting you, or if there is nothing you could have done to win their admiration, then you should accept that they do not HAVE TO admire you (even though you would have preferred that they did), that you do not NEED admiration, and that you will be OK without it (even if it is disappointing).

WHAT THIS WILL HELP YOU AVOID:

Leaving behind the notion that others must approve of you will go a long way to reducing social anxiety and the paralysis that comes with it. Needing approval limits our ability to interact with others (or to be our authentic self in their presence).

WHAT THIS IDEA WILL HELP YOU GAIN:

Needing approval leads to stagnation—particularly because not everyone values the things you do. Not everyone will approve of you reaching your goals. So achieving self-assuredness will help you gain a sense of meaning in your life because it will allow you to live according to your own values—not the values of others.

THE SOURCE OF THIS IDEA: 

In Stoic Philosophy the admiration of others, even the love of your spouse is seen as a “Preferred Indifferent” meaning that it is something we are right to prefer. But it is not innately a good (or necessary) thing because only those things that are up to us, can be good. Because we cannot control what others think of us, it is not required for our virtue. This idea is echoed in the psychotherapy of REBT created by Albert Ellis who cited the irrational belief that we must be loved as a source of much human misery.

Next: People Suck Sometimes. Accept them Anyway.

The Twelve Ideas That Can Change Your Life (So Far)

Idea #11: You Can Do Good Work or Seek Perfection, But You Can’t Do Both

Idea #10: Your Path Will Not Be Easy. But Ease is Not Required.

Idea #9: Emotions are not your guide. Without reason they will lead you astray

Idea #8: You are not your thoughts. You are not your feelings.

Idea #7: Whenever it seems that other’s must change, accept that they don’t.

Idea #6: People Suck Sometimes. Accept Them Anyway.

Idea #5: Others will not approve. Carry on without approval.

Idea #4: The world is unjust. Live there anyway.

Idea#3: To live is to confront adversity. But to be alive is to have limitless resilience. 

Idea#2: Life is risky. Live anyway.

Idea#1: Be curious. Learn what you can, but hold lightly to your truths.

Your Path Will Not Be Easy. But Ease Is Not Required.

Twelve Ideas That Can Change Your Life (Part 10)

Everything worth doing is worth putting effort into. We know this. But despite this awareness, there is often a lingering childishness in us, demanding that our path should be easy, that we should not have to work hard, and that we should never be uncomfortable. But a life lived according to your values will never be completely comfortable. Learning to tolerate the discomfort of effort is an important part of achieving your goals and fulfilling your potential.

The good news is that the more you put effort into your goals, the easier putting in effort becomes. It’s as if when we use effort to do good work, we get a discount on any future effort we put forth. For example, if you imagine a day where you have been very lazy, haven’t gotten off the couch and haven’t done anything difficult at all, how hard would it then be to do a chore like cook a meal, wash some dishes or do a load of laundry? You certainly could do it, but it would be difficult. In comparison to your lazy day, it would seem to be a high-effort task. Now imagine a day where you have been very productive and have already done several difficult things. How much effort would it take to put on that same load of laundry? Hardly any at all. That is the nature of effort. The extent to which effort is unpleasant varies greatly. But one sure way to make effort much more unpleasant and “expensive” is to tell yourself that you can’t tolerate it, or worse, that you shouldn’t have to.

In a Nutshell:

Life will present us with no shortage of situations where we will be uncomfortable, particularly when we are working towards our goals—and especially when those goals involve not giving in to harmful urges. But being uncomfortable does not harm us. We can put in the effort. We can accomplish our goals and live according to our values despite discomfort.

How to Use This Idea:

Be on the lookout for thoughts that tell you that you shouldn’t be uncomfortable, that something is too hard (when you know it’s not), and that you can’t put in the effort to do something important. Whenever you find these thoughts, question them and push back against them. Say to yourself, “Ok. This will make me uncomfortable. This is difficult.” But then ask yourself, “Why am I doing this? What is my goal? How important is that goal to me?” Remind yourself that you can tolerate being uncomfortable. Being uncomfortable is not going to harm you.

The Fine Print:

Please don’t take this as an instruction to work hard just for the sake of working hard. The point is to do what is important to you—to get something worthwhile out of your efforts. Don’t be cruel with yourself. Don’t expect yourself to put in Herculean efforts. If you can, routinely put in a modest amount of effort. Don’t feel like you need to always take the more difficult road just because it is difficult. Shortcuts are not always bad ideas if they really do bring you to the same place. Don’t treat being uncomfortable as a goal unto itself. When you tolerate discomfort you should know what purpose it serves.

What This Will Help You Avoid:

This idea will help you avoid stagnation—especially the stagnation that comes from not working on your goals. If you can only do what comes easily, you will rarely achieve anything. If you rule out any course of action that requires effort or discomfort you will probably rule out the best option you have. And if you give into every urge that surfaces (because resisting it is uncomfortable) your life will very quickly become a downward spiral of misery.

What This Will Help You Gain:

Discipline. Whether we are doing our job, eating right, exercising, acting morally, or accomplishing your goals, discipline will be required. We build discipline only by deciding to do difficult, uncomfortable things even though it would be easier (in the short term) not to do them. We need to remind ourselves that these acts will serve us well, in the long run, acknowledge the discomfort, and do them anyway.

The Source of this Idea:

This post is a synthesis of many ideas. The discussion of self-discipline is inspired by Stoic philosophy. Albert Ellis’s (REBT-related) concept of Frustration Intolerance has certainly contributed to my thinking. And the experimental psychology concept of Learned Industriousness, Associated with Robert Eisenberger (and which my dissertation dealt with) is relevant as well.

Next: You Can Do Good Work Or Seek Perfection. But You Can’t Do Both

The Twelve Ideas That Can Change Your Life (So Far)

Idea #11: You Can Do Good Work or Seek Perfection, But You Can’t Do Both

Idea #10: Your Path Will Not Be Easy. But Ease is Not Required.

Idea #9: Emotions are not your guide. Without reason they will lead you astray

Idea #8: You are not your thoughts. You are not your feelings.

Idea #7: Whenever it seems that other’s must change, accept that they don’t.

Idea #6: People Suck Sometimes. Accept Them Anyway.

Idea #5: Others will not approve. Carry on without approval.

Idea #4: The world is unjust. Live there anyway.

Idea#3: To live is to confront adversity. But to be alive is to have limitless resilience. 

Idea#2: Life is risky. Live anyway.

Idea#1: Be curious. Learn what you can, but hold lightly to your truths.

Grounding

Here is an excerpt from my book on Coping Skills.  Grounding is one of the easiest coping skills to use.  In as little as 30 seconds you can completely change the way you are thinking. Grounding is like Control-Alt-Delete for your mind.  Give it a try!

Effectiveness: 2017-07-19 10.44.03 pm

Difficulty: Easy

Use In Response To: Anger, Anxiety, or Urges.

 

Basic Idea: Pay more attention to the information coming from your five senses so as to distract yourself from unwanted thoughts and negative emotions.

Description: A person who is upset will often be focused on their thoughts and emotions. It is as if our focus can either be tuned out toward the external world or inward to the internal world. When we experience anxiety, anger, or negative self-talk, our focus is locked onto the inner world, and to the extent that we are focused on those things, we are less focused on the real world around us.

Grounding is a way to bring your attention back to reality, so called because it “grounds” you to where you really are. If we can bring our focus to the world around us, we will be less affected by the negative thoughts and emotions occurring in our minds. One way to accomplish Grounding is with a game called the “5-4-3-2-1 Game.” Here is how it works:

  1. Notice five things that you can see from where you are at the moment. You can pick any five things, or you can use criteria such as looking for the five most interesting things, the five most colorful things, or the five things that you wouldn’t notice if you weren’t paying very close attention to the world. Notice that while you are scanning for these things, you are far less likely to be distracted by other thoughts.
  2. Notice four things that you hear. This might not come easily, but that is the point. If you can’t hear four things immediately you might need to be patient or strain a bit to notice them.
  3. Notice three things that you feel with your skin. The obvious choices are to touch the chair you’re sitting in, the surface of a table, or the fabric of your clothing. Feel free to be creative. For example, what does the inside of your sock feel like to your foot? How does the back of your shirt feel against your neck? Notice that these sensations were there all along, but you weren’t paying attention to them.
  4. Smell two nearby objects (you might need to bring the objects to your nose).
  5. Taste a little bit of food or drink; for example, take a sip of water or bite into an apple. Alternatively, if there is nothing immediately available to taste, take one deep breath. Breathe out and notice the relief you feel.

To learn more easy to use Coping Skills, check out the Invisible Toolbox.

Emotions Are Not Your Guide. Without Reason They Will Lead You Astray.

Twelve Ideas That Can Change Your Life (Part 9)

Buried within many self-help and spiritual writings is a curious and subtle message: Your emotions should be a source of wisdom. We should do what our heart tells us, follow our gut, and not over-think things. But emotions can lead people astray in very dangerous ways. Anger can lead to our destroying what we love. Fear can lead to avoidance of meaningful parts of life. Seeking euphoric joy can lead to the slavery of substance abuse. Depression can lead to a downward spiral of withdrawal and inactivity.

Biology tells us that emotions are an ancient system based on brain structures that we share with many other creatures—even reptiles. I don’t know about you, but I would not be content with the wisdom of an alligator. Humans have the capacity for more because we are capable of developing reason. The wise person may take their emotions into account, but emotions themselves are not a source of wisdom.

Emotions and thoughts are not as separate as we might think. Our thoughts shape and alter our emotions. When our thoughts are not reasonable—when they are overly demanding, illogical, and underestimate our resilience they will distort our emotions, sometimes twisting a healthy emotional response into something that feels overwhelming and seems grotesque. But once you accept that through your beliefs (or what you are telling yourself at any given moment) you can change the nature of what you feel, then something amazing happens. Your emotions can change. Unhealthy, destructive emotions can transform into the helpful, insightful, wise variety. This tells us something very important: We are largely responsible for how we feel.

This is the exact opposite message that we so often receive from others. We are often encouraged to believe that other people and other situations cause our emotions:

  • Someone disrespecting me=anger.
  • Winning the lottery=happiness.
  • The world is dangerous=anxiety.

If true, these “equations” would place our emotions out of our control. Reason tells us otherwise.  By changing the way we think we can help ourselves focus on what is under our control, and how we can be more effective.

In a Nutshell:

Emotions, by themselves, are not a source of wisdom. Because our beliefs shape our emotions, emotions can become unhealthy when the beliefs related to them are not shaped by reason. Fortunately, we can learn to apply reason to our thoughts, and in doing so, we can gain limited control over our emotional world.

How to Use This Idea:

When you are feeling a strong negative emotion, ask yourself, “What are I telling myself here?” Try to determine what the belief is that is driving the emotion.  Then ask yourself, what would the healthy version of this emotion be? Then try to identify what you could tell yourself instead that would lead to the healthier emotion. Here is a hint: the 12 helpful thinking styles in this series are examples of the kind of thinking that helps. I know all of this is far easier said than done, but this essentially is what learning about cognitive therapy (particularly Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy) will help you do.

The Fine Print:

This idea does not mean that you should banish all emotions from your life. Emotions are necessary, and the lack of emotions doesn’t actually turn humans into super problem solvers (people who cannot experience emotions due to neurological deficits have significant difficulties in multiple areas of life). And while reasonable thoughts can change your emotions from the unhealthy variety to the healthy kind, healthy emotions are not always pleasant. Sometimes the “right” thing to feel is downright unpleasant. You will never have total control over your emotions. Some emotional reactions that are non-negotiable. But healthy emotions can be a source of insight. Healthy emotions might push us in the right direction. For example, concern might alert us to a risk we need to consider. Sadness might prompt us to accept a loss. Frustration can cue us in to our need to evaluate what we can change in a disadvantageous situation.

What This Will Help You Avoid:

This idea will help you avoid the extremes of unhealthy emotions including unhealthy anger, depression, envy, and anxiety.

What This Will Help You Gain:

Wisdom. Wisdom is the ability to solve  solve practical problems. Wisdom is diminished by excessive, unhealthy emotions.  Under the sway of such passions problem solving is impossible and we resort to crude, primitive, ineffective strategies. But when we can use reason to temper our emotions, effective solutions become easier to identify.

The Source of this Idea:

This idea draws heavily on Rational Emotive Behavior therapy (and in particular on the theory’s distinction between healthy and unhealthy emotions). This idea is also present in ancient Stoic philosophy in which the concept of the “passions” is analogous to what I have been referring to as unhealthy negative emotions.  This conceptualization also reflects from Marsha Linehan’s concept (in Dialectical Behavior Therapy) of the “wisemind”, which is a type of thinking that combines the “emotion mind” and “reason mind.”

Next: Your Path Will Not Be Easy. But Ease is Not Required. 

 

The Twelve Ideas That Can Change Your Life (So Far)

Idea #11: You Can Do Good Work or Seek Perfection, But You Can’t Do Both

Idea #10: Your Path Will Not Be Easy. But Ease is Not Required.

Idea #9: Emotions are not your guide. Without reason they will lead you astray

Idea #8: You are not your thoughts. You are not your feelings.

Idea #7: Whenever it seems that other’s must change, accept that they don’t.

Idea #6: People Suck Sometimes. Accept Them Anyway.

Idea #5: Others will not approve. Carry on without approval.

Idea #4: The world is unjust. Live there anyway.

Idea#3: To live is to confront adversity. But to be alive is to have limitless resilience. 

Idea#2: Life is risky. Live anyway.

Idea#1: Be curious. Learn what you can, but hold lightly to your truths.